Single and Searching for Him

  June 20,2004... A day that was full of crazy adventures.  See  Year 10-Moving Day! for all the crazy details.  Not sure how it's been 20 years since I left with a dream in my heart and thinking it was only going to be for a year.  I thought for sure I would only be gone for one year.  How naive I was! When I was writing the 10-year posts, I thought ahead about the 20-year post. Where would I be?  What would I be doing?   I certainly did NOT see my life where it is now.  I was in corporate America living my life, hiding the part of me that wanted to be in the classroom, shoving it way down so I didn't have to think about it.  I know that time in my life was important.  It gave me confidence in who I am as a person, it gave me the strength to stand up for myself, and it showed me truly how to be a team player and the importance of relying on your coworkers to help you out in any situation.  But it certainly wasn't my pass...

The month of November came in like a lion.  I have been asked countless  times whether I was happy with the change, whether I was glad I have come back to teaching. My first response is a resounding yes.  I have been trying to keep a gratitude journal to remind myself exactly how blessed I am in the midst of the chaos that is my job.  At the end of each day, I try to write one thing that I am thankful for that day.  One  thing that is consistent is the kids I teach and how, even on bad days, I have one child that will always ask at different parts of the day "Are you having a good day, Miss Hopkins?"  At first, I would always tell her "Yes, of course".  One day this week, however, this little 8 year old, called me out for saying yes.  She said "Miss Hopkins, I don't believe you because your face doesn't match what you are saying."  I stopped what I was doing and looked right at her and said, "Thank you" and had to hold back the tears....

 As I sit here after a long day of teaching in person children and remote children, I am greeted by some of the flowers from my grandmother’s funeral.  It got me thinking about the legacy that my grandparents left behind and will I have the same chance to leave one behind.  In looking at the examples I had in both my maternal and paternal grandparents, it is amazing to realize how blessed I was growing up.  I had grandparents that still loved their spouses until the day they died.  They were widowed and never looked at another soul as someone to take the place.  For them, it was truly all or nothing.   My grandmother would have been 98 this past week.  She had 4 children biologically, but had 8 children total.  Her in-laws were her children just the same as her biological children were hers.  She had 11 grandchildren, 19 great-grandchildren, and one great-great grandchild.  She was a hard worker, supportive, and caring.  Most o...

Lately, I have had a verse in my head. I Samuel 1:27.  “ For this child I prayed, and the Lord granted me my petition that I made known to Him.”   Granted, this verse is from Hannah and she gave up Samuel for the Lord’s work.  However, as I have been setting up my classroom (squee!!!) this week and making the lesson plans and going through the endless professional development, this verse has resonated with me.  While I am not blessed with my own children, I have had a hole in my heart.  So the 24 children that have been entrusted to me this year, whether they are physically in my room or virtually in my room,  I have been praying for.  I don’t know what this year is going to hold, but I know who holds it for us. As I sit here the night before my first day of school, fielding questions from my parents and going over plans with my team via text, my anxiety is going through the roof.  I have had many battles this week with my anxiety and panic attack...

There is an old song that I used to sing in Sunday School when I was a child and lately it’s refrain has been stuck in my head.  “They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, they will know we are Christians by our love.”  Over the last week or so, I have come to the sad conclusion that this statement isn’t true.  We as Christians have forgotten how to love. The other day I was on Facebook checking something during my lunch break.  What I saw, however, was so disheartening and so unbelievably horrid that it made me LIVID.  Our governor had announced the reopening plan for schools and that we would still be in phase 2 of reopening.  The amount of hatred I saw over wearing a mask inside any public place was absolutely astonishing.  People that I had respected for their faith were saying that it was not going to happen.  They weren’t going to participate in it and it was against their rights.  The fact that there was so much hatr...

The last few weeks have been so emotional and disheartening to say the least, but what can I say?  I have been heartbroken by the state of our country, proud of the change I am starting to see, exhausted by the fightings, terrified of the rioting, and sad for the lack of leadership.  But what can I say? I am a white woman who grew up very blessed.  I have two parents who are still married to each other after almost 54 years together.  They love God first and foremost, each other, and their children and grandchild.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins are some of my favorite people and love me.  I never had to worry about being hungry, having clean clothes to wear, a house over my head, a pillow and bed to lay on each night.  We went on family vacations, camping, played games together, and enjoyed each other (well... mostly ;)).  I didn’t have to worry about anything, really. In college, I had to worry a little because I am a woman and walking around...

As we enter phase two of reopening, these last two weeks have been extremely emotional for me.  Not the quarantine, but for the life choices that I have made.  There have been really high high’s and really low lows.  I have cried every day and have been at extreme peace.  I did something I never thought I would do again. A couple of years ago, I was cleaning out my cupboards and getting rid of all of the mugs that I had accrued over the years.  There were a bunch from former students, friends, and myself that I couldn’t close the cupboard doors.  I had just moved into my place and knew I needed to downsize on the amount of mugs.  After all, how many mugs does one person really need??  However, there was one that my parents had given me that I couldn’t seem to get rid of.  It has a poem on it that is titled “She who is called to teach” and on the inside it has the words “Nurturing the minds of future generations”.  I remember my mom and...

Today is Good Friday.  A day of huge significance in the Christian church.  Today is the day that my Savior became my Sacrifice.  It’s a somber day.  A day of reflection and remembrance of what was done for our sins and guilt.  However, with the world shut down, it looks and feels a little different than it ever has in my lifetime. This week has been rough mentally.  Physically, I have been walking on my treadmill every day (until I realized it’s been 7 days since I have left my house and my brother politely suggested I walk around our neighborhood...), but mentally, emotionally, spiritually... those have been a struggle.  I have been trying to find something every day to be thankful for, but it seems as if it’s the same 5 things I am thankful for.  As the week is going on, I haven’t even put in my journal what I have been thankful for because it feels as if it is turning into a fake thing.  Am I really thankful? So I have really felt alo...

As everyone right now is staying home to help prevent even more of a spread of this virus that has completely taken over the world, I wanted to get something down on “paper” to record my thoughts and feelings.   Being single during this time, is both a blessing and a curse.  It allows me to not have to worry about anyone else, except my brother who lives here too.  It also provides no distraction of another human during the day while I am working from home.  It has also led to an attitude on my part of totally giving up.  I went to the store yesterday for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was the first time I have left my house in over a week and I felt as if I was doing something illegal.  It also forced me to put on actual clothes as opposed to the leggings and t-shirt that had become my staple.  I have gotten up, gotten a cup of coffee in me, logged into my computer on my brand new desk, and started my day.  Around lunch time, I ...

I have always loved music.  It is in my blood.  My mom has an amazing voice and is extremely talented and has always shared her talent.  One of my favorite things was listening to her sing “O Holy Night” on Christmas Eve every year.  It didn’t feel like Christmas until you heard her practicing in the house. I used to pretend I was on Broadway and a famous singer.  Using the hairbrush or curling iron and belting out “Phantom of the Opera” when I was home alone.  I love teaching the next generation about music with the preschool choir as well as getting to lead worship with my choir at church. I listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood.  Sometimes, it is quiet piano music, sometimes, it is classical, sometimes it is praise and worship, sometimes it is electric dance (if I am cleaning the house!!).  My brothers used to torture me by playing different songs and making me guess what and who it was.  (Side note... I was never any good at...

Pretending... Something I used to do all the time as a kid.  I would pretend to be a mom taking care of her babies, a teacher to her stuffed animals with old schoolbooks, a fashion consultant with her Barbies.  Early childhood is littered with pretending.  It’s encouraged, nurtured, accepted. The problem is when pretending takes over your real life.  This past Sunday, my pastor gave a sermon on when you feel you aren’t good enough for God.  This has been marinating in my mind and heart all week.  Do I live my life as great on the outside but nothing of substance on the inside?  Am I performing for the world around me?  I would love to say that no.  What you see is what you get.  However, if I am going to be honest, the answer is yes.  I have to pretend to be what others perceive me as.  Especially at church.  Sunday mornings sometimes are the biggest moments of pretending I do.  At work, if I am having a bad day...

It’s hard to believe we are in the 20’s!  In my lifetime, I have lived in 6 decades, 2 centuries, and 2 millennias now.  The fact that this year is my 25th high school reunion is a little mind boggling.  It truly seems as if it has only been about 5!  As this is the season of starting fresh, making changes, becoming a better you, etc...  I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  This last year was really good in some aspects, and then it felt as if all my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me to be shattered at my feet.  I have to admit, this put me in a HUGE tailspin where the last couple of months, I have not been me at all.  But with the help of therapy, lots of praying and delving deep into the Word along with an AMAZING support system, I am finally coming back.  I don’t think I will ever be the same but I have realized that I am stronger than I thought I ever could be.  While these experiences were not something I wis...

So....  It has been a while since I have put “pen to paper” so to speak and the last post was about spending a quiet weekend with my Ladybug cuddling on the couch.  It’s bittersweet to read those words and to see the pictures.  So much has happened in the last two years as I took a social media break.   There will be more on that later. Today’s post is a way for me to process what has happened in the last 24 hours. As writing is one way that I am best able to gather my thoughts, I thought what a better way to honor a life lived so well than with words. Yesterday, I had to make the most difficult and hardest choice of my life.  I had to say goodbye to my Ladybug.  She had dementia and her systems were all shutting down.  The vet took great care of her and her head was in my lap as she went. All of you know that I am completely devoted to my Bug.  She was my Valentine’s Day gift from my parents my first year in North Carolina.  So for 13 ...

The most dreaded words any single person hears... Why aren't you dating anyone?  Are you looking?  You should try finding someone.  A pretty girl like you shouldn't be alone. UGH!!!  Stop.  Just stop.  Do you really think I haven't tried it all?  Online dating, looking around my church, everything.  No, I am not too picky.   Your advice is not wanted, nor really welcome.  So just stop.  There is a reason why God made me single and after this weekend, I appreciate it all the more. This weekend, I did a lot of nothing.  I mean, basic chores around the house like laundry, putting clothes away, running the sweeper, dusting.  But the majority of the time, I sat on my couch cuddling with my dog and watched Netflix.  I had a great weekend.  One I probably wouldn't have been able to have if I wasn't single. See, here is something very few people know about me.  I am an introvert.  Notice I didn't say sh...

Spending time at home is both a blessing and a curse.  I was able to spend a lot of time with my parents and brothers this last week, but not a lot with everyone I wanted to.  There is so much of my former life there that I want to reconnect with everyone I used to do life with.  It seems as if there is never enough time to do and see everything I want to when I am planning the trip back home.  Getting schedules to match up sometimes is extremely hard. But while I love going home there is something about coming home.  I have a weird dichotomy where I literally have two homes.  One in Ohio where I spent 28 years and one in North Carolina where I have spent 13 years.  Both places are a huge part of me and who I am.  I grew up in a small town surrounded by the same kids all through school.  That molded me.  My family molded me.  Doing life up there molded me.  I get teased at work and in my life when the extent of my naivety com...

Over the last few days, I have heard that phrase many times and it's the truth.  There are no words.  No words to say.  No words to think. No words to feel.  These last few days have been some of the most heartbreaking, hard, and humbling experiences of my life.  My heart aches for my cousins as they have traveled and are still traveling a very difficult road.  But the hope that has permeated their beings as they have gone through this is a gut check. This morning's lesson was on the power of prayer and what the aspects of the Lord's Prayer are.  What I have learned this week is that there are no words to pray when you are faced with a situation as they have been facing.  Every time they have been brought to mind (which is constant) or I would get woken up with an urgency to pray, I would.  At one point, words simply wouldn't come.  I could only pray "Thy will be done" but took comfort in Romans 8:26.  It says simply "In the ...

Yesterday I did it.  It was ugly,  It was hard.  It was miserable. It was slow. It was painful.  But I did it.  I completed my second half marathon.   I hadn't trained as hard for this one as I did for my first.  I had gained weight.  I was not physically or mentally ready.  But I had registered and payed the money to push myself to doing something that 2% of the population has completed.  Plus, one of my high school classmates that I haven't seen since graduation (22 years ago) was going to be there with all of her peeps, so I had to do it. I woke up right before the alarm because of a nightmare I had had about the race and the fact that I didn't wake up until 7 (which was the start time of the race).  I was in the hotel and somehow the bathroom door got locked, so we couldn't use it.  Fortunately, the only thing in there was my toothpaste and toothbrush so mom went down to the front desk to get someone to open up the d...

I know... I hear you... you think this is another blog from the single person on how horrible it is to be single on Valentine's day.  However, Valentine's day is so much more than me being on the couch in my jammies by 7:00 PM with the dishes done and ready for bed already.  I know you are jealous ;) For me, Valentine's day is bitter sweet.  Seven years ago today, my family lost a huge part of us.  My grandfather died.  That left a huge hole in me.  So much so that it took a long time for me to begin to function again.  I have so many wonderful memories of my grandparents that even all these years later, I still expect to see Grandpa at family functions.  I expect to hear his laugh, to see the twinkle in his eye, and feel  the love he had for his family.  My family was extremely blessed to have him in our lives and I miss him daily, but no more so than February 14th. Valentine's day is also my "gotcha" day for my Ladybug.  She w...

So, a month ago today I had something happen that I was dreading.  I mean pit in my stomach, nausea, and anxiety happening all at the same time.  I turned 40.  Even typing it, I still am wrinkling my nose in disgust.  I know, I know age is just a number. But I don't like this number.  I have been trying to come up with the reason why I don't like this number, being in this age bracket, checking that next box.  I have watched my former high school classmates all turn 40 with grace, dignity, joy, excitement and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pretend it didn't happen. In an effort to fight it, I chopped off 12 inches off of my hair.  Ok, so my midlife crisis is little compared to others, but it was a huge decision for me.  It was a way of forcing me to change my perception of myself.  Unfortunately, it didn't work very well.  It just made my morning routine go a little faster :) So, why have I dreaded this birthday so much? ...