Single and Searching for Him

2014, what a year. Some of it good.  A lot of it bad.  This wasn't a good year for me.  I learned a lot about life this past year.  Not all of it good.  As I am reflecting on this past year, I am not sure how to think about it.  I feel like this year just kicked my butt.  It was hard, terrifying, humbling, grief stricken, horrifying, and at times, just plain awful.  But then there were bright patches among the darkness. There was hope, joy, pride, excitement, and love. One of the best moments of this year was watching my big brother cross the finish line and hear the words "Dan Hopkins, You Are An Ironman!"  I still get teary thinking about that moment and how excited he was to finish.  I was amazed that he was able to do it.  I was proud that he accomplished it.  I was overjoyed to see him after a long 12 hours of aunt and mommy sitting! I was overcome when I got to hug him at the end.  My brother is one of my heroes.  He had worked so hard to complete this goal and I

As I sit here, in the glow of my Christmas tree, my candles burning, Christmas music playing softly in the background, I am at peace.  I love the lights, smells, and sounds of Christmas and enjoy sitting in my living room with the tree lit and the music playing.  It instantly calms me down and sets my focus on what Christmas is all about.  This also leaves a lot of time to think! This past year, 37, has been full of great moments as well as moments of absolute despair.  Choices that I have made, circumstances out of my control, and life in general have all merged together to weave this year.  Where I was at 37 is no where near where I thought I would be when I planned my life out in middle school.  In English class, either my seventh or eighth grade year, we had to write our own obituary stating all of the things that we have accomplished in our lives.  I took that assignment and made it my timeline.  I was going to go to college, graduate, get married, have four children (2 boys, 2

It's after dinner, I am still stuffed, and sitting at home with the Christmas music playing softly in the background.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays and over the last few years it has looked a little different, tasted a little different, and felt a little different.  Traditions are different in each family.  I love the traditions in mine. All gathering together in one house, the dishes that are eaten at every family meal, then playing board games after the clean up is done.  I have some very competitive people in my family, let me tell you!  It gets cutthroat around the table.  I cherish the memories of all of my family gathering together, sitting at the kids table (still), the laughter, the games, the joy of simply being with one another.  I have long since realized that my family is "abnormal".  We all enjoy being with each other and when one of us is missing, it's felt.  Even as adults, I enjoy simply talking to my cousins and catching up

This past week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I have ever had to go through.  My heart has simply broken.  I am learning that grief comes in many ways for many reasons.  From sobbing hysterically in a friend's office, to withdrawing from conversations, to trying to fix it all and not being able to at all.  I keep getting pulled to the verse in John when Jesus was at his friend's grave, "Jesus wept".  I've spoken about this verse before, but there is a strange comfort in all of my leaking this week, that my Savior has been there.  He knows.  Grief for a precious soul gone home, grief for a situation I wish I could have stopped, but can't do anything about, grief for wanting to be in a different place than I am.  Grief for not being able to help. Grief is not an emotion reserved for death.  I've learned this week.  As things have been spiraling all around me, I want to change it all, but I can't.  I am working on accepting the outc

"Rejoice evermore." I Thessalonians 5:16   This verse has brought something that has been simmering for quite a while, to a full on boil.  Monday nights in August at my church have been simply amazing.  Each year, in the month of August, we have Sunday evening service on Monday night.  There are special guests, both musically and to preach.  The preacher we had on Monday is actually the preacher at one of the campuses for my church.  Wow.  He doesn't apologize for simply taking apart scripture, staying there for a while, and going as deep as time permits.  This past Monday he was preaching on "being in your spot", and while that was amazing, what stopped me dead in my tracks was this little verse.  He said that it was an outcome, not a command.  This is what is going to happen as an outcome of our faith.  We are going to rejoice evermore!  One of my absolute favorite albums right now is Matt Redmond's 10,000 Reasons.  There is a song "Endless Hall

The last couple of weeks, I have been in the midst of some very strong storms.  Hurricane force winds, rain pelting down from all directions, beaten, battered, crushed, pushed down.  I'm not talking about physical storms (although as I write this, thunder is rolling outside).  I'm talking about the storms of life.  Those things that you look back on and marvel at how God got you through it.  How he protected you, sheltered you, supported you.  However, going through it, being beaten from every direction, it is hard to see that next step.  It's hard to think about how one day, you will be able to praise God for all He has done for you.  But we are not commanded to wait to praise Him.  We are told to praise Him in ALL things.  Don't get me wrong... this is not easy.  All I want to do right this very moment, is curl up in my bed, with the covers over my head, and have another good cry.  Believe me when I tell you, I have had some fantastic cries the last two weeks.  I even

Lately, I have been thinking about being single.  All of my friends are married and while I never feel excluded, there are times when I see the pictures of the two of them and my heart hurts a little.  I wonder what it is about me that God has chosen me to be single.  Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians as if it is a noble achievement.  And yes, there are moments, days, weeks that I feel blessed to be single.  I can serve where I am needed and how often I am needed, I can be there for a friend in need, I can help a couple reconnect by watching their children while they go out for a night, I can help someone in a moment's notice.  So, yes, there are many benefits of being single.  But lately, its been a struggle.  It's hard to go to church and see the families and hear sermons about marriage and how to build a stronger relationship with one another.  It's hard to hang with some of my best friends and watch them enjoy the company of their spouses. It's hard to hear "

Part 3 Well, it was here.  At moments it felt as if it was never going to come, and other times it felt as if it was coming way too fast.  June 20,2004... Father's day, no less!  The U-Haul was packed, we ate lunch together as a family, and my best friend and her husband got to my house to help me on this journey. I gave my mom one last hug and with tears streaming down my face, I got into my car, my dad and brother into my parents' car, and my friend and her husband driving the U-Haul.  We were off! Now at this point, I should say 8 hours later, we arrived and were ready to unpack.  However, that was so not even the case.  We thought we would be saving money if we got a diesel engine U-Haul.  Well, whatever money we saved with that, was far surpassed by the energy and effort it took to drive it.  I have to give my friend's husband props.  There were times I didn't think that it would make it another 100 feet, let alone 500 miles... but somehow he made it! It star

Part 2 After spending most of the trip talking to my friend, trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened, (yes, I was talking and driving) I arrived home and then things went into overdrive.  What followed was strange, bizarre, sad, terrifying, scary, exciting, and surreal.  Here was something that I had wished for and dreamed of for as long as I can remember (well, except for the 6 months I wanted to be a nurse and then I realized what all that job entailed... ).  This was it.  I was going to teach first grade.   I remember calling all of my family and friends and going through the story so many times I felt as if I could have written it on a poster board and just showed it where ever I went. There were many tears as I packed up my room.  I had been in that room for 20 years.  The last time I had moved, I was 7 and my mom did all of the packing.  There were days when I was so overwhelmed with the decision, that I know I wasn't fully functioning.  There were lis

One of the questions I am asked the most is "How did you end up here?"  Well... the short answer: God has a wicked sense of humor!  The long answer takes a little more time... It started one day when I was off work.  You see, I had graduated from college 2 years earlier, and was looking for a teaching job.  What they failed to tell all of us bright eyed young educators was that we weren't going to find jobs because all of the teachers that were expected to retire, would be extending their stay in education making all of the jobs that were supposed to be available, null and void.  So, I would find an opening in a school, drive to the main office, drop off my resume', smile, talk, and try to get a feel for how many other applicants they had for the position.  I remember one, where I had driven over an hour to drop off my resume' and the lady looked at it, put it in the pile and told me, you are applicant 400.  I remember driving home with tears running down my fac

Now, I know y'all are thinking that you have the best father in the world, no one compares, and he's your hero, well, I hate to tell you this, but you are wrong!  You see, I have the best daddy in the world! The story goes that when I was born, and they announced  that I was a girl, my mom said "put her back" because there was no way she was going to be the mom of a girl. However, by that time, my dad had taken one look at me and it was love at first sight.  He held me, and that was the end. My father is an example of what a husband, father, and friend looks like.  He has always shown me the value of hard work.  He also has shown me the value of laughter.  I think one of his favorite holidays when we were kids was April Fool's day.  He would always put a piece of scotch tape around the spray nozzle for the kitchen faucet, so that when you turned the water on, you got sprayed. He did this for several years in a row, and I always seemed to fall for it.  I knew i

Make me broken so I can be healed, Cause I'm so calloused and now I can't feel, I want to run to you; with heart wide open, Make me broken Til You are my one desire, til You are my one true love,Til You are my breath, my everything, Lord, please keep making me Have you ever had a song that you hear once, and it takes root inside of you?  It starts to permeate your soul, until it takes over.  You hear it and it moves you, it strengthens you, it tears you apart, it heals you, it speaks to you in ways that mere words cannot.   There is a song that is living inside of me right now.  It's not a pretty song.  In fact, it is a hard song.  It asks a lot of you.  It's not a song that is a feel happy song.  It tears you apart, it destroys you, it makes you think, it makes you thirst.   I believe there are times that God puts these things in your life to have you evaluate what is going on, to take a look at your life and get pruned.  This song is one of them. It&#

And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. Revelation 4:8 And he said, Draw not nigh hither; put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground. Exodus 3:5 There are numerous verses on holiness. There are over 30 in Exodus alone.  This is something that has been marinating for a while in my brain.  What is holiness?  How do I approach holiness? Most importantly, do I respect the holiness of God? One of the songs we sang Sunday was the Revelation song by Philips, Craig, and Dean.  One line of the song has been reverberating in my head for the last 24+ hours.  "Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come, with all creation I sing, praise to the king of Kings, you are my everything, and I will adore you" I first heard this song around the time that

I have been blessed to have four very special women placed in my life that I know I can go to for anything at anytime.  These ladies are more than friends, they are my sisters, my lifelines, my heart.  God knew what he was doing when he placed each one in my life at the time He placed them. The first, I met in the hallway at church in the summer between second and third grade.  The first time I went over to her house after church one Sunday is one of my embarrassing moments, but definitely one of the most memorable.  Her father is from Germany and when we sat down to dinner after church, he started praying, in German.  I didn't hear the "Amen" and the conversation continued around the table in German.  My head was still bowed, and her brother elbowed me and told me we were finished.  I looked up and realized that they were passing the food around.  Needless to say, that didn't deter me from continuing the friendship, just made me pay real close attention to the pray

And it came to pass, when all the people were clean passed over Jordan, that the Lord spake unto Joshua, saying, Take you twelve men out of the people, out of every tribe a man, And command ye them saying, "Take you hence out of the midst of Jordan, out of the place where priests' feet stood firm, twelve stones, and ye shall carry them over with you, and leave them in the lodging place, where ye shall lodge this night.  And Joshua said unto them, Pass over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of Jordan, and take ye up every man of you a stone upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the children of Israel; that this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying "What mean ye by these stones?" Joshua 4:1-6 This passage has been a constant in my life the last 20 years. Okay, I can hear you... really?  about a bunch of rocks?  Well, yes.  You see, the Children of Israel had just been taken

Thinking about the women who helped shape me into this person, draws my thoughts to the men that also helped "grow" me.  Once again, I think of my family and the most influential man in my life, my father.  My parents have been married for 48 years.  I didn't from any means, come from any sort of broken home.  In fact, my family is abnormally "normal".  I think what taught me the most about husbands and how they should treat their wives is from my father and how he treated and still treats my mother.  My mom used to sing some amazing solos in church.  One of my favorite memories of my childhood is Christmas Eve service at church.  My mom would always sing "O Holy Night" and it was as if you were there listening to the angels sing it to the newborn King.  So all of this to talk about my daddy.  He would always sit and listen and close his eyes.  Now, my father can "rest his eyes" with the best of them.  He can do it anywhere and at any time.  

 I have had so many thoughts going on in my head for a while now that I thought I would try writing them down to see if that helped sort them out.  I have been thinking about doing this for a while.   I have been reading a friend's blog as she has journeyed through the women who have influenced her in her life.  As I was reading the posts she made, it made me think of how blessed I have been in my life with the women that God gave me to help me become the woman I am. It starts with the blessings of my family.  My story is one of simplicity.  I grew up in a Christian home and was in church by the time I was three weeks old! (Granted, it WAS Christmas day, but still...)  I remember spending the night at my grandparents house and my grandma would have her Bible on the table beside her chair.  I remember waking up and finding my mom in the living room with her Bible and notebook.  Those memories showed me what a joy it is to start the day soaking up God's Word. These also gave