Single and Searching for Him

I think 2016 is going to go down in history as a tumultuous year. Between the crazy political year, the sudden deaths of so many influential people, and the constant news cycle that seems never ending, 2016 has not been a good year.   But, as we are about to finish this year, I have looked back on all of my posts for the year.  What I thought was horrible, was actually pretty amazing. Some highlights: I turned 40 and survived!  I normally love my birthday.  I mean, a day devoted just to me???  Um, yes please!  This one though, was tough.  Our church does a Christmas program for three Sundays in a row in December where the choir sang in all three services all three weeks.  My birthday this year was on Sunday and so I knew that I had to be at the church from 6:30-12:00 that day and that I would be exhausted.  So, I wasn't looking forward to that aspect of the day.  Plus, there is something about 40 that hurts.  I kept watching all of my old high school classmates turn 40 and it

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have gone from the depths of terror to the heights of amazement.  Knowing this was a major milestone in my life, I wanted to try and take it all in.  I tried to absorb everything as it was happening but wanted to share it as well. Saturday morning, the alarm went off at 4:00 AM.  I got up and a tidal wave of nausea hit me.  I got a glass of water and met my brother in the kitchen.  Bleary eyed, we looked for the toaster (mom had redone the kitchen since I was last home and nothing was where it was for 25 years!!) and made myself some toast with peanut butter on it.  I ate a slice and tried to eat the other that I had made, but that wasn't going to happen.   I went and got my clothes on (that of course had all been laid out the night before) and brushed my teeth.  By that time, Sonya had gotten to the house to ride up with my parents and she asked how I was doing.  I told her that I had hippos doing the tango in my stomach

Some reason for the last month or so, I have had to repeatedly answer the same question.  "When do you go back to school?"  Then I have to smile, and answer, I am not teaching anymore.  It's been five years and that sentence still hurts.  Like knife in the heart, hurt.  It is still a sucker punch to the gut.  I still want to curl up and cry. Today's Facebook memory was about the beginning of the end for me as a teacher.  I was worried about what the new year would bring.  Now I look back and think "I had every reason to worry".   So as I was running this morning, I had my choice of a story about Pulse Nightclub and the shooting or the news about the attack in France.  Neither were something that I wanted to focus on as I was sweating so I started thinking about the events in my life five years ago and why it still hurt to say "No, I am not teaching".   All my life, all I ever wanted to do was teach and be a mom.  I thought it would be g

This morning, I attempted to do something I have never done before.  I finished a 10k.  That is 6.2 miles.  Longest I have ever gone. My goal was to finish in 1:20.  I finished in 1:28.  I had to walk all of mile 4 to 5.  There was a panic attack at mile 3 when I realized that I was only half way finished and I had to do everything I had just done again.  But thanks to the great volunteers and some girls in tutus who were also running the 10k, I got back in the groove and went around again.  As soon as  I hit the second lap, my phone went dark and I lost my music.  So  the other three miles was me listening to my breathing and each step I took. On top of all of this, it was so humid it felt like I was running under water, through mud, and definitely through Satan's armpit.  It was rough, it was challenging, and I wish I had done better, but I need to remember that I did it.  A year ago, this wouldn't have been physically possible.  At all.  Yes, I was a little slower than I wan

Today we partied until everyone dropped! As I sit here and reflect on the day, the overwhelming theme is love.  50 years ago today, two people stood in front of their family and friends and vowed to love, honor, and cherish one another.  Little did they know the journey they would be taken on. The first ten years were filled with separation, war, the hardship of trying to start a family, finally getting their child, then getting another child 18 months later, to having their third child 20 months after that.  To having their family complete. They were filled with love. The next 20 years were filed with adventure.  From family vacations across the country, to a trip to Disneyworld, to time spent together, to laughter, to epic fights, to moving to a new house, to games played, to time spent together, to time cherished.  They were filled with  love. The last 20 years have been filled with children moving away, children moving back, sacrifices so that all of their children could grad

As some of you know, I have decided to run a half marathon before I am 40.   Since that is 6 months from today, (eek!) I don't have much time left.  So I have been training to do this.  Some days, I have a great run and feel energized!  Some days, I struggle.   I have discovered that running is mainly mental.  If you can get your focus on what it needs to be, the run is inspiring.  If not, it is painful. Today's goal was 5 miles (10k in one month!!!).  I woke up and got dressed and went to the park I like to run in.  It has paved pathways and a lot of shade.  I had some technical difficulties at first with my music, but soon got into the groove.  It was good for a little bit, but the humidity this morning made it hard to breathe.  Then I got to a downhill part and had a great song on my playlist, I was getting into the "runner's space".  I was almost halfway through.   I started my second loop around.  It was straight uphill.  I was going, then I got passe

This past March, I had to go to Washington DC for work over a weekend. During that time, I had an opportunity to explore DC.  It has been several years since I went there and so I wanted to make the most of my time.  I walked all over and found everything I wanted to see.  There were a few that surprised me with how powerful they were.  The first night, the sun was starting to set and I was on my way back to the metro to get back to the hotel.  I was coming back from the Lincoln Memorial when I literally stumbled upon the Korean Memorial.  If you have ever seen it, it is marble statues in formation.  Coming up on it as the sun was starting to set was breath taking.  It was amazing to see the statues marching through the brush.  I could imagine the scene and all I could do was stare in amazement as tears rolled down my face.  I was speechless.  People I had never met, nor would ever meet, were in this foreign land for me.  In order to preserve the freedoms of the people of their count

I have started this post three different times in the past few days.  Every time, I get part of the way and decide it was too hard to put out there.  However, I keep coming back and starting it, so I must have to write this as painful as it is going to be. I would say 90% of the time, I enjoy being single.  I can be selfish.  If I want to go to bed at 8:00, there isn't anyone to judge me.  If I want to go somewhere, I can.  I can eat whatever I want (which landed me in trouble...), do what I want, go where I want.  I don't need to discuss with anyone what my schedule is.  I just do what I want.  No questions asked. Then, there are those days that I abhor being single.  Balancing the checkbook and realizing I have just enough to pay all the bills. Being asked "Why aren't you dating anyone?". Having advice given to break out of the singleness (as if it were a horrendous disease).  Hearing about another engagement, pregnancy, life event.  Those are the days that

Numbers have never been my favorite thing.  As a child, math was always difficult for me.  Give me a book or tell me about history, I was there.  Numbers, not at all. My life revolves around numbers.  I study them at work.  I analyze them, I graph them, I keep multiple Excel spreadsheets. My morning today started with numbers.  5:00 AM.  That in and of it self is a horrible number sometimes...  Anyway, back to my morning.  I get up, drive myself to the gym for my weekly torture, I mean training, session.  My trainer meets me there and has me get on the scale.  It was measurement day.  I got on the scale.  He did my measurements (twice), took my blood pressure, calculated my BMI (Body Mass Index) (twice).  We took a look at the numbers.  They were horrible.  Things that were supposed to go down went up or stayed the same, things that were supposed to go up, went down.  I was devastated.  So now, I have to figure out what I am doing wrong.  We are going to measure again in 2 weeks af

This past year has been full of changes for me, yet, there are times when I feel as if nothing has changed.  I look in the mirror and still see the same person I was a year ago when I started this journey.  I still see the person who wanted to change, but had no idea or desire to truly do the work to change.  I still see the girl who couldn't do anything or wanted to do anything.  I still see the old me. My brother just spent two weeks with me.  He has an amazing ability with a camera.  He wanted to see some spots in North Carolina that he would not get in Ohio.  So we got in the car and headed west.  We landed in Pisgah National Forest at Looking Glass Falls.  He got some beautiful shots (one which is now on my wall).  From there, we went to Linville Falls and hiked up to the upper falls and he got some good shots as well.  Then, we saw people down at the base of the falls.  So we decided to traverse down there.  The trail is classified as "difficult" and it is.  Th

Before anyone gets upset or thinks I have lost my mind, there is a story behind the title.  I do know that the choral response is "He is Risen indeed".  However, one year at Easter someone came up to me on Easter Sunday and said "He is Risen".  I stared at him and brilliantly said "Yep!"  Of course a couple of my good friends were right there, so now every Easter, I am reminded of that brilliant moment in my life. On a more serious note, today is probably my favorite holiday.  Not because of the Easter baskets or egg hunts.  Not because of the dinner that my family traditionally has together.  Not because of the new dress.  Because this day represents hope.  Without this day, there is no hope in my life.  Without this day, there is no joy.  This day is the most important day in my faith because without the resurrection of Christ, I would be worshiping another dead guy.  But, my God isn't dead.  Not anymore.  Not since Resurrection day. Traditionall

So today is an anniversary of sorts for me.  Eleven months ago, I started on this journey that I will be on for the rest of my life.  Looking back on what I have accomplished and how far I have come is pretty awing.  It hasn't been easy, in fact, it is probably one of the hardest things I have done.  Changing how I eat, going to the gym, changing everything about my life.  However, in the last 11 months, I have lost 65 pounds, got my blood pressure from 190/80 to 118/65, run a 5k without stopping, started working out with a trainer and forced my body to do things I never thought it would be possible for me to do, taken my 5k time from an hour to 40 minutes. While I have done all of these great things, there are days when I have not done life well.  When those days of doubt come, I have a great network to go to that reminds me just how far I have come.  I know that the people that I do life with and have been with me on this journey will help get my focus back where it needs to be

The goal of the call of God is his satisfaction, not simply that we should do something for him. We are not sent to do battle for God, but to be used by God in his battles. ~Oswald Chambers I have been doing a devotionalt from the book My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. This week, I read this and it has been resonating with me all week. We aren't to fight God's battles, but to be used in the fight. That is the call of God. To be used. Period. Looking up the word battle in a concordance is like going through a lot of Old Testament wars. Each one had a purpose and was, in the end, for the glory of God. Psalm 24:8 says "who is the King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty in battle." We each have our battles that we are in. Trials, hardships, sickness. Some of our own making. I was able to spend time this weekend with former coworkers. Lots of changes occurred in all our lives since we last saw each other. It was amazing to see how the battles that were