10%

I have started this post three different times in the past few days.  Every time, I get part of the way and decide it was too hard to put out there.  However, I keep coming back and starting it, so I must have to write this as painful as it is going to be.

I would say 90% of the time, I enjoy being single.  I can be selfish.  If I want to go to bed at 8:00, there isn't anyone to judge me.  If I want to go somewhere, I can.  I can eat whatever I want (which landed me in trouble...), do what I want, go where I want.  I don't need to discuss with anyone what
my schedule is.  I just do what I want.  No questions asked.

Then, there are those days that I abhor being single.  Balancing the checkbook and realizing I have just enough to pay all the bills. Being asked "Why aren't you dating anyone?". Having advice given to break out of the singleness (as if it were a horrendous disease).  Hearing about another engagement, pregnancy, life event.  Those are the days that I don't like it.  Most days, I can put a smile on my face and continue on with what needs to be done and go back to being content.

But every now and then, I get punched in the gut.  My singleness is flashing over my head with big neon flashing signs for the world to see.  All I want to do is crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and hide.  The last few days have been like that.  I spent most of the day Saturday on the couch or in my bed crying all because of something I read.  I struggled getting to church on Sunday.  I didn't want to face anyone.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to be alone sitting in the sanctuary.  I did it, but can't tell you what I heard as I was in my head and all I could hear was that I was by myself.  I was going to have lunch by myself.  I was going to go home by myself.  I came home and sat on the couch.  I spent the day crying.

During this crying, I have been fighting.  I have been fighting the plan for my life.  I have been fighting the purpose I have right now.  I know that I am single for a reason.  I know that being able to help a friend in need whenever I can, is a blessing.  I know that being able to go where I am needed when I m needed is a blessing.  I know these things.  But there is the whole heart thing that tells me the world says I need to be part of a couple.  There is the horrible voice inside that says I am not whole without someone to share my life with.  So, I am fighting.  I am fighting the voices in my head with THE voice.  The one that speaks truth.  Right now, I don't want to listen to that voice.  I am giving in to the other voice, but I am not winning.  It's only making me tired.  It's making me weary.  It's making me mad.

So while the majority of the time, I am glad I am single, this isn't one of those times.  I feel like throwing myself on the floor, kicking and screaming and saying "why not me"  Why can't I have...

I know that no relationship is perfect.  I understand that we are imperfect beings.  I know that all couples are not in sync 100% of the time.  I know this, yet, right now, I am craving it.  To have someone to talk to at the end of the day.  To have someone give me a hug.  To have someone to share life with.

This is part of the 10% of the time that I don't want to be single and I am fighting it.  When I will come out of this, I don't know.  I know what I have to do, I just don't want to.  Wow.  Just reading that is a kick in the pants.  I don't want to.  Instead of choosing to be joyful, I am choosing to be sad.  I know what I need to, but I really don't want to do the work.

So, I am going to force myself off of the couch and into the Word.  Maybe this will help me get my wants lined back up where they need to be.

Meanwhile, sometimes being single stinks...