Pretending


Pretending... Something I used to do all the time as a kid.  I would pretend to be a mom taking care of her babies, a teacher to her stuffed animals with old schoolbooks, a fashion consultant with her Barbies.  Early childhood is littered with pretending.  It’s encouraged, nurtured, accepted.

The problem is when pretending takes over your real life.  This past Sunday, my pastor gave a sermon on when you feel you aren’t good enough for God.  This has been marinating in my mind and heart all week.  Do I live my life as great on the outside but nothing of substance on the inside?  Am I performing for the world around me?  I would love to say that no.  What you see is what you get.  However, if I am going to be honest, the answer is yes.  I have to pretend to be what others perceive me as.  Especially at church.  Sunday mornings sometimes are the biggest moments of pretending I do.  At work, if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally, I can put my headphones in, put my head down and tell people I am working on a project.  I can zone out and just power through.  When I am at church, though, I feel as if there are expectations placed on me and I need to put a mask on and be the person they expect me to be.  There are some Sundays that it takes everything in me to get up, put a smile on my face, and lead worship. Usually, once I start paying attention to what I am singing, then I realize Who I am singing to and my attitude becomes what it needs to be to be part of the choir.

There are days that I wish that outside of my circle, I can be me and not the me that people think I am.  It’s amazing that it’s at church I feel the most uncomfortable.  Don’t get me wrong, not around my trusted group, but the “church people”.  Those people that are legalistic and not relationship based.  Those people that value works over heart.  Those people that judge simply because of something you say or do and it isn’t up to their standards.  Those people, for some reason, are the ones I don’t want to be real with because I don’t want their judgement.  I don’t want the negative words to come out about me.  I don’t want to “upset the apple cart” because somehow, those people seem to have power over me.  The people who know me, the real me, the ones that have seen me ugly cry, the ones that have seen me (and in most cases caused) snort laugh, those are the ones that I don’t have to pretend with and those should be the ones that I am concerned about what they are thinking.  Those are the ones whose opinions I should be concerned about.  They are the ones who are the ones I need to rely on when I need correction.  Those are the ones I need to rely on when I am not able to stand on my own.  Those are the ones that I don’t pretend with and it is amazing to have them in my life.  The ones that when I am sad for no reason, I can just cry on their shoulder and know that they won’t get upset or disgusted, but will put their arms around me and in some cases cry with me.

I also need to remember that I can’t pretend before the Father.  He knows my every thought, feeling, wish, desire, hope, fear, and negative thought.  He is the only One I need to perform for.  Not in pretending, but as my audience of One.  He is.  No matter what may be said about me or thought about me by other people, the only One that matters is God.

So maybe this year, along with choosing and finding joy in the everyday, I need to work on being me without the mask.  Without pretending.

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