Single and Searching for Him

The last few weeks have been so emotional and disheartening to say the least, but what can I say?  I have been heartbroken by the state of our country, proud of the change I am starting to see, exhausted by the fightings, terrified of the rioting, and sad for the lack of leadership.  But what can I say? I am a white woman who grew up very blessed.  I have two parents who are still married to each other after almost 54 years together.  They love God first and foremost, each other, and their children and grandchild.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins are some of my favorite people and love me.  I never had to worry about being hungry, having clean clothes to wear, a house over my head, a pillow and bed to lay on each night.  We went on family vacations, camping, played games together, and enjoyed each other (well... mostly ;)).  I didn’t have to worry about anything, really. In college, I had to worry a little because I am a woman and walking around...

As we enter phase two of reopening, these last two weeks have been extremely emotional for me.  Not the quarantine, but for the life choices that I have made.  There have been really high high’s and really low lows.  I have cried every day and have been at extreme peace.  I did something I never thought I would do again. A couple of years ago, I was cleaning out my cupboards and getting rid of all of the mugs that I had accrued over the years.  There were a bunch from former students, friends, and myself that I couldn’t close the cupboard doors.  I had just moved into my place and knew I needed to downsize on the amount of mugs.  After all, how many mugs does one person really need??  However, there was one that my parents had given me that I couldn’t seem to get rid of.  It has a poem on it that is titled “She who is called to teach” and on the inside it has the words “Nurturing the minds of future generations”.  I remember my mom and...

Today is Good Friday.  A day of huge significance in the Christian church.  Today is the day that my Savior became my Sacrifice.  It’s a somber day.  A day of reflection and remembrance of what was done for our sins and guilt.  However, with the world shut down, it looks and feels a little different than it ever has in my lifetime. This week has been rough mentally.  Physically, I have been walking on my treadmill every day (until I realized it’s been 7 days since I have left my house and my brother politely suggested I walk around our neighborhood...), but mentally, emotionally, spiritually... those have been a struggle.  I have been trying to find something every day to be thankful for, but it seems as if it’s the same 5 things I am thankful for.  As the week is going on, I haven’t even put in my journal what I have been thankful for because it feels as if it is turning into a fake thing.  Am I really thankful? So I have really felt alo...

As everyone right now is staying home to help prevent even more of a spread of this virus that has completely taken over the world, I wanted to get something down on “paper” to record my thoughts and feelings.   Being single during this time, is both a blessing and a curse.  It allows me to not have to worry about anyone else, except my brother who lives here too.  It also provides no distraction of another human during the day while I am working from home.  It has also led to an attitude on my part of totally giving up.  I went to the store yesterday for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was the first time I have left my house in over a week and I felt as if I was doing something illegal.  It also forced me to put on actual clothes as opposed to the leggings and t-shirt that had become my staple.  I have gotten up, gotten a cup of coffee in me, logged into my computer on my brand new desk, and started my day.  Around lunch time, I ...

I have always loved music.  It is in my blood.  My mom has an amazing voice and is extremely talented and has always shared her talent.  One of my favorite things was listening to her sing “O Holy Night” on Christmas Eve every year.  It didn’t feel like Christmas until you heard her practicing in the house. I used to pretend I was on Broadway and a famous singer.  Using the hairbrush or curling iron and belting out “Phantom of the Opera” when I was home alone.  I love teaching the next generation about music with the preschool choir as well as getting to lead worship with my choir at church. I listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood.  Sometimes, it is quiet piano music, sometimes, it is classical, sometimes it is praise and worship, sometimes it is electric dance (if I am cleaning the house!!).  My brothers used to torture me by playing different songs and making me guess what and who it was.  (Side note... I was never any good at...

Pretending... Something I used to do all the time as a kid.  I would pretend to be a mom taking care of her babies, a teacher to her stuffed animals with old schoolbooks, a fashion consultant with her Barbies.  Early childhood is littered with pretending.  It’s encouraged, nurtured, accepted. The problem is when pretending takes over your real life.  This past Sunday, my pastor gave a sermon on when you feel you aren’t good enough for God.  This has been marinating in my mind and heart all week.  Do I live my life as great on the outside but nothing of substance on the inside?  Am I performing for the world around me?  I would love to say that no.  What you see is what you get.  However, if I am going to be honest, the answer is yes.  I have to pretend to be what others perceive me as.  Especially at church.  Sunday mornings sometimes are the biggest moments of pretending I do.  At work, if I am having a bad day...

It’s hard to believe we are in the 20’s!  In my lifetime, I have lived in 6 decades, 2 centuries, and 2 millennias now.  The fact that this year is my 25th high school reunion is a little mind boggling.  It truly seems as if it has only been about 5!  As this is the season of starting fresh, making changes, becoming a better you, etc...  I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  This last year was really good in some aspects, and then it felt as if all my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me to be shattered at my feet.  I have to admit, this put me in a HUGE tailspin where the last couple of months, I have not been me at all.  But with the help of therapy, lots of praying and delving deep into the Word along with an AMAZING support system, I am finally coming back.  I don’t think I will ever be the same but I have realized that I am stronger than I thought I ever could be.  While these experiences were not something I wis...