Single and Searching for Him

Today is Good Friday.  A day of huge significance in the Christian church.  Today is the day that my Savior became my Sacrifice.  It’s a somber day.  A day of reflection and remembrance of what was done for our sins and guilt.  However, with the world shut down, it looks and feels a little different than it ever has in my lifetime. This week has been rough mentally.  Physically, I have been walking on my treadmill every day (until I realized it’s been 7 days since I have left my house and my brother politely suggested I walk around our neighborhood...), but mentally, emotionally, spiritually... those have been a struggle.  I have been trying to find something every day to be thankful for, but it seems as if it’s the same 5 things I am thankful for.  As the week is going on, I haven’t even put in my journal what I have been thankful for because it feels as if it is turning into a fake thing.  Am I really thankful? So I have really felt alo...

As everyone right now is staying home to help prevent even more of a spread of this virus that has completely taken over the world, I wanted to get something down on “paper” to record my thoughts and feelings.   Being single during this time, is both a blessing and a curse.  It allows me to not have to worry about anyone else, except my brother who lives here too.  It also provides no distraction of another human during the day while I am working from home.  It has also led to an attitude on my part of totally giving up.  I went to the store yesterday for the first time since last Wednesday.  It was the first time I have left my house in over a week and I felt as if I was doing something illegal.  It also forced me to put on actual clothes as opposed to the leggings and t-shirt that had become my staple.  I have gotten up, gotten a cup of coffee in me, logged into my computer on my brand new desk, and started my day.  Around lunch time, I ...

I have always loved music.  It is in my blood.  My mom has an amazing voice and is extremely talented and has always shared her talent.  One of my favorite things was listening to her sing “O Holy Night” on Christmas Eve every year.  It didn’t feel like Christmas until you heard her practicing in the house. I used to pretend I was on Broadway and a famous singer.  Using the hairbrush or curling iron and belting out “Phantom of the Opera” when I was home alone.  I love teaching the next generation about music with the preschool choir as well as getting to lead worship with my choir at church. I listen to all kinds of music depending on my mood.  Sometimes, it is quiet piano music, sometimes, it is classical, sometimes it is praise and worship, sometimes it is electric dance (if I am cleaning the house!!).  My brothers used to torture me by playing different songs and making me guess what and who it was.  (Side note... I was never any good at...

Pretending... Something I used to do all the time as a kid.  I would pretend to be a mom taking care of her babies, a teacher to her stuffed animals with old schoolbooks, a fashion consultant with her Barbies.  Early childhood is littered with pretending.  It’s encouraged, nurtured, accepted. The problem is when pretending takes over your real life.  This past Sunday, my pastor gave a sermon on when you feel you aren’t good enough for God.  This has been marinating in my mind and heart all week.  Do I live my life as great on the outside but nothing of substance on the inside?  Am I performing for the world around me?  I would love to say that no.  What you see is what you get.  However, if I am going to be honest, the answer is yes.  I have to pretend to be what others perceive me as.  Especially at church.  Sunday mornings sometimes are the biggest moments of pretending I do.  At work, if I am having a bad day...

It’s hard to believe we are in the 20’s!  In my lifetime, I have lived in 6 decades, 2 centuries, and 2 millennias now.  The fact that this year is my 25th high school reunion is a little mind boggling.  It truly seems as if it has only been about 5!  As this is the season of starting fresh, making changes, becoming a better you, etc...  I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  This last year was really good in some aspects, and then it felt as if all my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me to be shattered at my feet.  I have to admit, this put me in a HUGE tailspin where the last couple of months, I have not been me at all.  But with the help of therapy, lots of praying and delving deep into the Word along with an AMAZING support system, I am finally coming back.  I don’t think I will ever be the same but I have realized that I am stronger than I thought I ever could be.  While these experiences were not something I wis...

So....  It has been a while since I have put “pen to paper” so to speak and the last post was about spending a quiet weekend with my Ladybug cuddling on the couch.  It’s bittersweet to read those words and to see the pictures.  So much has happened in the last two years as I took a social media break.   There will be more on that later. Today’s post is a way for me to process what has happened in the last 24 hours. As writing is one way that I am best able to gather my thoughts, I thought what a better way to honor a life lived so well than with words. Yesterday, I had to make the most difficult and hardest choice of my life.  I had to say goodbye to my Ladybug.  She had dementia and her systems were all shutting down.  The vet took great care of her and her head was in my lap as she went. All of you know that I am completely devoted to my Bug.  She was my Valentine’s Day gift from my parents my first year in North Carolina.  So for 13 ...

The most dreaded words any single person hears... Why aren't you dating anyone?  Are you looking?  You should try finding someone.  A pretty girl like you shouldn't be alone. UGH!!!  Stop.  Just stop.  Do you really think I haven't tried it all?  Online dating, looking around my church, everything.  No, I am not too picky.   Your advice is not wanted, nor really welcome.  So just stop.  There is a reason why God made me single and after this weekend, I appreciate it all the more. This weekend, I did a lot of nothing.  I mean, basic chores around the house like laundry, putting clothes away, running the sweeper, dusting.  But the majority of the time, I sat on my couch cuddling with my dog and watched Netflix.  I had a great weekend.  One I probably wouldn't have been able to have if I wasn't single. See, here is something very few people know about me.  I am an introvert.  Notice I didn't say sh...