Single and Searching for Him

I know... I hear you... you think this is another blog from the single person on how horrible it is to be single on Valentine's day.  However, Valentine's day is so much more than me being on the couch in my jammies by 7:00 PM with the dishes done and ready for bed already.  I know you are jealous ;) For me, Valentine's day is bitter sweet.  Seven years ago today, my family lost a huge part of us.  My grandfather died.  That left a huge hole in me.  So much so that it took a long time for me to begin to function again.  I have so many wonderful memories of my grandparents that even all these years later, I still expect to see Grandpa at family functions.  I expect to hear his laugh, to see the twinkle in his eye, and feel  the love he had for his family.  My family was extremely blessed to have him in our lives and I miss him daily, but no more so than February 14th. Valentine's day is also my "gotcha" day for my Ladybug.  She w...

So, a month ago today I had something happen that I was dreading.  I mean pit in my stomach, nausea, and anxiety happening all at the same time.  I turned 40.  Even typing it, I still am wrinkling my nose in disgust.  I know, I know age is just a number. But I don't like this number.  I have been trying to come up with the reason why I don't like this number, being in this age bracket, checking that next box.  I have watched my former high school classmates all turn 40 with grace, dignity, joy, excitement and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pretend it didn't happen. In an effort to fight it, I chopped off 12 inches off of my hair.  Ok, so my midlife crisis is little compared to others, but it was a huge decision for me.  It was a way of forcing me to change my perception of myself.  Unfortunately, it didn't work very well.  It just made my morning routine go a little faster :) So, why have I dreaded this birthday so much? ...

I think 2016 is going to go down in history as a tumultuous year. Between the crazy political year, the sudden deaths of so many influential people, and the constant news cycle that seems never ending, 2016 has not been a good year.   But, as we are about to finish this year, I have looked back on all of my posts for the year.  What I thought was horrible, was actually pretty amazing. Some highlights: I turned 40 and survived!  I normally love my birthday.  I mean, a day devoted just to me???  Um, yes please!  This one though, was tough.  Our church does a Christmas program for three Sundays in a row in December where the choir sang in all three services all three weeks.  My birthday this year was on Sunday and so I knew that I had to be at the church from 6:30-12:00 that day and that I would be exhausted.  So, I wasn't looking forward to that aspect of the day.  Plus, there is something about 40 that hurts.  I kept watching al...

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have gone from the depths of terror to the heights of amazement.  Knowing this was a major milestone in my life, I wanted to try and take it all in.  I tried to absorb everything as it was happening but wanted to share it as well. Saturday morning, the alarm went off at 4:00 AM.  I got up and a tidal wave of nausea hit me.  I got a glass of water and met my brother in the kitchen.  Bleary eyed, we looked for the toaster (mom had redone the kitchen since I was last home and nothing was where it was for 25 years!!) and made myself some toast with peanut butter on it.  I ate a slice and tried to eat the other that I had made, but that wasn't going to happen.   I went and got my clothes on (that of course had all been laid out the night before) and brushed my teeth.  By that time, Sonya had gotten to the house to ride up with my parents and she asked how I was doing.  I told h...

Some reason for the last month or so, I have had to repeatedly answer the same question.  "When do you go back to school?"  Then I have to smile, and answer, I am not teaching anymore.  It's been five years and that sentence still hurts.  Like knife in the heart, hurt.  It is still a sucker punch to the gut.  I still want to curl up and cry. Today's Facebook memory was about the beginning of the end for me as a teacher.  I was worried about what the new year would bring.  Now I look back and think "I had every reason to worry".   So as I was running this morning, I had my choice of a story about Pulse Nightclub and the shooting or the news about the attack in France.  Neither were something that I wanted to focus on as I was sweating so I started thinking about the events in my life five years ago and why it still hurt to say "No, I am not teaching".   All my life, all I ever wanted to do was teach and be a mom.  I ...

This morning, I attempted to do something I have never done before.  I finished a 10k.  That is 6.2 miles.  Longest I have ever gone. My goal was to finish in 1:20.  I finished in 1:28.  I had to walk all of mile 4 to 5.  There was a panic attack at mile 3 when I realized that I was only half way finished and I had to do everything I had just done again.  But thanks to the great volunteers and some girls in tutus who were also running the 10k, I got back in the groove and went around again.  As soon as  I hit the second lap, my phone went dark and I lost my music.  So  the other three miles was me listening to my breathing and each step I took. On top of all of this, it was so humid it felt like I was running under water, through mud, and definitely through Satan's armpit.  It was rough, it was challenging, and I wish I had done better, but I need to remember that I did it.  A year ago, this wouldn't have been physica...

Today we partied until everyone dropped! As I sit here and reflect on the day, the overwhelming theme is love.  50 years ago today, two people stood in front of their family and friends and vowed to love, honor, and cherish one another.  Little did they know the journey they would be taken on. The first ten years were filled with separation, war, the hardship of trying to start a family, finally getting their child, then getting another child 18 months later, to having their third child 20 months after that.  To having their family complete. They were filled with love. The next 20 years were filed with adventure.  From family vacations across the country, to a trip to Disneyworld, to time spent together, to laughter, to epic fights, to moving to a new house, to games played, to time spent together, to time cherished.  They were filled with  love. The last 20 years have been filled with children moving away, children moving back, sacrifices so that all...