This is 40... a month later
So, a month ago today I had something happen that I was dreading. I mean pit in my stomach, nausea, and anxiety happening all at the same time. I turned 40. Even typing it, I still am wrinkling my nose in disgust. I know, I know age is just a number. But I don't like this number. I have been trying to come up with the reason why I don't like this number, being in this age bracket, checking that next box. I have watched my former high school classmates all turn 40 with grace, dignity, joy, excitement and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pretend it didn't happen.
In an effort to fight it, I chopped off 12 inches off of my hair. Ok, so my midlife crisis is little
compared to others, but it was a huge decision for me. It was a way of forcing me to change my perception of myself. Unfortunately, it didn't work very well. It just made my morning routine go a little faster :)
So, why have I dreaded this birthday so much? I really don't have a definitive answer. Part of it is I remember when my parents turned 40 and it wasn't that long ago (ok... it's been 30 years), but I remember it vividly. There is something adult about being 40 that I haven't wanted to wrap my mind around. 40 means you are settled in life. 40 means you have a stable job, family, home. 40 means responsibility. 40 means that I know what I want to be when I grow up. 40 means I am that grown up.
Unfortunately, a lot of my distress has to do with the world's perception of who I need to be at 40. I need to be a wife. I need to be a mother. I need to own a home. I need to have a career that I worked hard in school for. Instead, I have none of those things. I don't have a husband. I don't have children. I don't own a house. I don't work in the career that I spent years in college trying to obtain.
So, the last month, while I have still struggled (and gone back to bad eating habits and less working out for which the scale was so kind as to jump up several numbers for me... ugh...), I have been reading about courageous women in the bible and looking around me for the same. And I have found them.
I found someone who is struggling and is the strongest person I know. I found someone who has found so much joy in the smallest things. I found someone who loves her kids and supports her husband in so many adventures. God has placed women in my life to show me what total abandonment to Him is like.
I have started this new year with a new bible study about finding joy in the ordinary. Today's verse was Psalms 21:6: For you make him most blessed forever; You make him joyful with gladness in your presence. (NASB) This verse is in the middle of a psalm that David wrote. With gladness in your presence... gladness... that means I need to choose to be thankful for the blessings instead of lamenting all that I don't have at 40. So as I go through the next 11 months of being 40, I have to make a conscious decision to wake up each morning, grateful that I woke up and for all of the blessings that I have. 40 is going to be the year of gladness. There is so much in my life that I am blessed by that I am going to focus on these daily instead of what I think I should have already.
So the first month of 40 was rough, I am choosing to not let the next 11 months of 40 be anything but joy filled!
In an effort to fight it, I chopped off 12 inches off of my hair. Ok, so my midlife crisis is little
compared to others, but it was a huge decision for me. It was a way of forcing me to change my perception of myself. Unfortunately, it didn't work very well. It just made my morning routine go a little faster :)
So, why have I dreaded this birthday so much? I really don't have a definitive answer. Part of it is I remember when my parents turned 40 and it wasn't that long ago (ok... it's been 30 years), but I remember it vividly. There is something adult about being 40 that I haven't wanted to wrap my mind around. 40 means you are settled in life. 40 means you have a stable job, family, home. 40 means responsibility. 40 means that I know what I want to be when I grow up. 40 means I am that grown up.
Unfortunately, a lot of my distress has to do with the world's perception of who I need to be at 40. I need to be a wife. I need to be a mother. I need to own a home. I need to have a career that I worked hard in school for. Instead, I have none of those things. I don't have a husband. I don't have children. I don't own a house. I don't work in the career that I spent years in college trying to obtain.
So, the last month, while I have still struggled (and gone back to bad eating habits and less working out for which the scale was so kind as to jump up several numbers for me... ugh...), I have been reading about courageous women in the bible and looking around me for the same. And I have found them.
I found someone who is struggling and is the strongest person I know. I found someone who has found so much joy in the smallest things. I found someone who loves her kids and supports her husband in so many adventures. God has placed women in my life to show me what total abandonment to Him is like.
I have started this new year with a new bible study about finding joy in the ordinary. Today's verse was Psalms 21:6: For you make him most blessed forever; You make him joyful with gladness in your presence. (NASB) This verse is in the middle of a psalm that David wrote. With gladness in your presence... gladness... that means I need to choose to be thankful for the blessings instead of lamenting all that I don't have at 40. So as I go through the next 11 months of being 40, I have to make a conscious decision to wake up each morning, grateful that I woke up and for all of the blessings that I have. 40 is going to be the year of gladness. There is so much in my life that I am blessed by that I am going to focus on these daily instead of what I think I should have already.
So the first month of 40 was rough, I am choosing to not let the next 11 months of 40 be anything but joy filled!
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