Pretending... Something I used to do all the time as a kid.  I would pretend to be a mom taking care of her babies, a teacher to her stuffed animals with old schoolbooks, a fashion consultant with her Barbies.  Early childhood is littered with pretending.  It’s encouraged, nurtured, accepted.

The problem is when pretending takes over your real life.  This past Sunday, my pastor gave a sermon on when you feel you aren’t good enough for God.  This has been marinating in my mind and heart all week.  Do I live my life as great on the outside but nothing of substance on the inside?  Am I performing for the world around me?  I would love to say that no.  What you see is what you get.  However, if I am going to be honest, the answer is yes.  I have to pretend to be what others perceive me as.  Especially at church.  Sunday mornings sometimes are the biggest moments of pretending I do.  At work, if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally, I can put my headphones in, put my head down an…

The roaring 20’s

It’s hard to believe we are in the 20’s!  In my lifetime, I have lived in 6 decades, 2 centuries, and 2 millennias now.  The fact that this year is my 25th high school reunion is a little mind boggling.  It truly seems as if it has only been about 5!  As this is the season of starting fresh, making changes, becoming a better you, etc...  I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  This last year was really good in some aspects, and then it felt as if all my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me to be shattered at my feet.  I have to admit, this put me in a HUGE tailspin where the last couple of months, I have not been me at all.  But with the help of therapy, lots of praying and delving deep into the Word along with an AMAZING support system, I am finally coming back.  I don’t think I will ever be the same but I have realized that I am stronger than I thought I ever could be.  While these experiences were not something I wished for, they didn’t happen without God knowing it wo…

How do you say goodbye?

So....  It has been a while since I have put “pen to paper” so to speak and the last post was about spending a quiet weekend with my Ladybug cuddling on the couch.  It’s bittersweet to read those words and to see the pictures.  So much has happened in the last two years as I took a social media break.   There will be more on that later.

Today’s post is a way for me to process what has happened in the last 24 hours. As writing is one way that I am best able to gather my thoughts, I thought what a better way to honor a life lived so well than with words.

Yesterday, I had to make the most difficult and hardest choice of my life.  I had to say goodbye to my Ladybug.  She had dementia and her systems were all shutting down.  The vet took great care of her and her head was in my lap as she went.

All of you know that I am completely devoted to my Bug.  She was my Valentine’s Day gift from my parents my first year in North Carolina.  So for 13 years, it has been her and I against the world. …


The most dreaded words any single person hears...

Why aren't you dating anyone?  Are you looking?  You should try finding someone.  A pretty girl like you shouldn't be alone.

UGH!!!  Stop.  Just stop.  Do you really think I haven't tried it all?  Online dating, looking around my church, everything.  No, I am not too picky.   Your advice is not wanted, nor really welcome.  So just stop.  There is a reason why God made me single and after this weekend, I appreciate it all the more.

This weekend, I did a lot of nothing.  I mean, basic chores around the house like laundry, putting clothes away, running the sweeper, dusting.  But the majority of the time, I sat on my couch cuddling with my dog and watched Netflix.  I had a great weekend.  One I probably wouldn't have been able to have if I wasn't single.

See, here is something very few people know about me.  I am an introvert.  Notice I didn't say shy, I said introverted.  That means I recharge best in quiet and by …

Going home

Spending time at home is both a blessing and a curse.  I was able to spend a lot of time with my parents and brothers this last week, but not a lot with everyone I wanted to.  There is so much of my former life there that I want to reconnect with everyone I used to do life with.  It seems as if there is never enough time to do and see everything I want to when I am planning the trip back home.  Getting schedules to match up sometimes is extremely hard.

But while I love going home there is something about coming home.  I have a weird dichotomy where I literally have two homes.  One in Ohio where I spent 28 years and one in North Carolina where I have spent 13 years.  Both places are a huge part of me and who I am.  I grew up in a small town surrounded by the same kids all through school.  That molded me.  My family molded me.  Doing life up there molded me.  I get teased at work and in my life when the extent of my naivety comes to light.  Then there are the past 13 years where I have …

There are no words

Over the last few days, I have heard that phrase many times and it's the truth.  There are no words.  No words to say.  No words to think. No words to feel.  These last few days have been some of the most heartbreaking, hard, and humbling experiences of my life.  My heart aches for my cousins as they have traveled and are still traveling a very difficult road.  But the hope that has permeated their beings as they have gone through this is a gut check.

This morning's lesson was on the power of prayer and what the aspects of the Lord's Prayer are.  What I have learned this week is that there are no words to pray when you are faced with a situation as they have been facing.  Every time they have been brought to mind (which is constant) or I would get woken up with an urgency to pray, I would.  At one point, words simply wouldn't come.  I could only pray "Thy will be done" but took comfort in Romans 8:26.  It says simply "In the same way the Spirit also help…

Second one down

Yesterday I did it.  It was ugly,  It was hard.  It was miserable. It was slow. It was painful.  But I did it.  I completed my second half marathon.  
I hadn't trained as hard for this one as I did for my first.  I had gained weight.  I was not physically or mentally ready.  But I had registered and payed the money to push myself to doing something that 2% of the population has completed.  Plus, one of my high school classmates that I haven't seen since graduation (22 years ago) was going to be there with all of her peeps, so I had to do it.
I woke up right before the alarm because of a nightmare I had had about the race and the fact that I didn't wake up until 7 (which was the start time of the race).  I was in the hotel and somehow the bathroom door got locked, so we couldn't use it.  Fortunately, the only thing in there was my toothpaste and toothbrush so mom went down to the front desk to get someone to open up the door.  I started getting ready and they brought up…