Alone, yet not alone

Lately, I have been thinking about being single.  All of my friends are married and while I never feel excluded, there are times when I see the pictures of the two of them and my heart hurts a little.  I wonder what it is about me that God has chosen me to be single.  Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians as if it is a noble achievement.  And yes, there are moments, days, weeks that I feel blessed to be single.  I can serve where I am needed and how often I am needed, I can be there for a friend in need, I can help a couple reconnect by watching their children while they go out for a night, I can help someone in a moment's notice.  So, yes, there are many benefits of being single.  But lately, its been a struggle.  It's hard to go to church and see the families and hear sermons about marriage and how to build a stronger relationship with one another.  It's hard to hang with some of my best friends and watch them enjoy the company of their spouses. It's hard to hear "you're how old?"  It's hard to look at the plan that I had growing up and be so far from where I thought I would be at 37.  It's hard to come home to an empty house.

I know I am right where God has me to be because there are times of sweet bliss and joy in His presence, that I am not sure I would experience if I had the distractions of a husband and children.  I have my rock piles of these times, but there are days, weeks, hours, when it is hard to remember those times.  I'm not saying that I don't feel close to God, because my relationship with Him is not built on my feelings, but on His truth.  I know these feelings are real, but I also know that no one understands them like my Savior.  One of the most profound verses of the bible, is also the shortest.  John 11:35 "Jesus wept".  Those two words convey such depth of feeling that Christ had here on earth.  One of his closest friends had died and he felt the separation.  He, in that moment, showed that he was human.  It could have said he cried and it would have said essentially the same thing, but it didn't.  The word picture you get as you read those two words are of a man broken, beaten, and desperate.  I see him bent over at the waist, on the ground, struggling to breathe through the tears.  This verse provides so much comfort in showing that Jesus truly understands heartache.  So in those moments, when I am all alone and weeping, I know He completely understands and has me in His hands.

So while I may dream of, wish for, pray for a partner to help me here on earth, I also know that there is no one who will understand me like my Savior.  Yes, I am alone.  Yes, I am struggling with that right now, but there is joy in knowing that this life is all temporary.  This life right now is not the end all, but the holding place.  And I will strive to keep serving Him in this holding area.

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